Tuesday, March 22, 2005
laura's $.02
Kimi asked me to add my thoughts to the relationship discussion found here as well as on Kat and Daryl‘s blogs.
I’m going to post something fairly straightforward and non-humorous, because I heard that Alan is going to join in and you know he’ll blow anyone else’s attempts at humor out of the water so I’m just not going to go there!
The big Question is, Interacting with folks of the opposite #### is impossible to avoid - how do I avoid accidentally leading someone on while still maintaining a more-than-acquaintanceship?”
Answer:
Guys: Don’t pursue her heart.
Girls: Don’t invite him to pursue your heart.
Kenny said it well in his comment on Kat’s blog – guys are drawn to the mere chance of love/intimacy. He then went on to say this is shallow, and I totally disagree with that! It’s a damn good thing that men are wired to pursue, because women are wired to BE pursued and to invite pursuit.
We complement each other beautifully.
Since we’re created in the image of God, the way we’re wired is not ONLY for our mutual benefit and satisfaction, but also of great use to Jesus in our lives. When a man pursues his woman, it’s not only him, but Jesus working THROUGH him to pursue her heart for Himself. And vice versa – a woman has the incredible opportunity to invite her man to pursue Jesus as he pursues her.
The reason God tells us to love Him with all our hearts/souls/minds/strengths and THEN, secondly, to love our neighbor as ourselves, is because He knows only He can fulfill the desire He planted in our hearts. Our emotional and spiritual needs can’t be totally satisfied by one another.
Think about it – why do guys often cool off their affections after “the chase” is over? And why do girls tend to get needier and clingier when this happens?
In and of ourselves, we cannot ever be enough for another person.
Only God is large enough to be pursued forever, and only God is extravagant enough to woo us in new and different ways throughout our entire lives.
So. Back to the question at hand. How to keep those pesky “but I thought we had something…..” type friends from happening.
1. Give your heart to Jesus.
When it’s obvious that your heart is not on the market for rescuing/wooing/pursuing/inviting, it’s much easier for others to see that you are not available, even when you’re single. Usually this will do the trick right away. It’s like that awful bar trick: Looking earnestly into their eyes and saying, “Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?” gets pretty much ANYONE off your back!
In all seriousness, if you are getting the kind of attention from Jesus that you need, you’re not going to be looking for others to fill that longing.
You won’t be sending out the vibe.
Guys, if you’re pursuing God with all your heart, you won’t have time or inclination to go after the girl who is desperate for anyone/anything to come after a heart that’s actually lonely for Jesus.
Girls, if you are allowing yourself to be romanced by Jesus, pretty much anyone else isn’t going to be a contender and you won’t be paying attention to him in that way. Guys are very good at figuring out where they can’t compete. And believe me, NO ONE can compete with the astonishment of a romance with the Creator of all things romantic! Lol!
2. Show them the bigger picture.
Often being totally in love with Jesus has a magnetic effect to people who are really looking for the same kinda thing, and sometimes they’ll mistake YOU for what they’re looking for.
If you start getting that creepy-crawly feeling that your “friend” of the opposite #### has something more up their sleeve for you, gently remind them (usually just through general conversation; rarely will you have to resort to “The Talk”) that it’s really Jesus we’re all after, ultimately.
If God is Love, then WHENEVER we are looking for love – even in a plain old boy/girlfriendship – we are seeking something much more transcendent than flowers and candy, a hug and a kiss.
Point them to the Source.
3. BACK OFF
Sometimes you have to do the uncomfortable and sacrifice the friendship for the good of those involved. If someone is consistently mistaking you for Jesus in their pursuit of Him, you need to get out of the way.
Nothing good EVER comes from playing savior.
If you find this a difficult proposition yourself, then think long and hard about what YOU are getting out of the relationship that might not be so kosher.
Anyway, those are my thoughts from personal experience. Keep in mind that this is advice for “getting rid of” (that sounds horrible!) of people in whom you’re not interested in “that way.”
There’s nothing wrong with pursuing and being pursued in a relationship; it’s vitally important. But you can’t get ALL of it from your earthly relationship. You absolutely MUST be getting it from Jesus first. The relationship fulfills a secondary need and points you to your first Love. But it can’t take the place of a healthy relationship with Jesus. Heh. That’s a whole ‘nother post in and of itself!
Thanks for letting me guest lecture, Kimi!!
Monday, March 21, 2005
interesting people
lately, i’ve noticed that i really enjoy hanging out with certain peoples… and i’m finding it very interesting indeed!
what is it about some people that make you want to hang out with them more? is it really simply because someone makes you laugh? or because the fact that they’re telling YOU that joke makes you feel special and loved?
i think this is a concept that i’ve struggled with on and off… wondering what makes that friendship special… but mostly wondering what makes someone attracted to someone else. what is it about certain people that creates that wonderful li’l feeling inside you, making you think about them multiple times throughout the day? or how does one person earn the power to make your stomach flip flop when the phone rings with their special ring tone? how would someone work their way into your life to make you smile everytime you see your inbox with an email from him/her?
as a disclaimer, i have no one in my life like this right now… although i’m open to suggestions =) i think i’ve had these questions in the back of my mind, wondering what it’ll take for someone to impact my life in that way.
but seriously, if someone makes me feel that way, is that a good enough reason to start dating them? why does that feeling of yearning seem to equate into a relationship that should be pursued? and maybe even more importantly, if i have friends in my life who do this for me - make me laugh, make me feel special, spend time with me, fill up my inbox, and call my cell phone - why is it that i want to eventually find that one special guy who’ll do this for me? not that i’m desperately searching, but that is definitely something that i think of as nice to have…
yah… i just don’t think i understand the psychology behind it. regardless of whether i understand it or not, though, i have to admit that i’m a pretty social person and i’m glad i have friends that do make me feel special, the same friends who company i enjoy.
and for that, i’m very thankful =)
Sunday, March 13, 2005
billy was right, eventually
It’s kinda sad to say, but it seems like we’ve made all of our opposite #### friends that we’re gonna have. So, if you’re a new guy in kimi’s life, you’re just drama. (jab, jab) After all, Kat‘s making same #### friends, and she *never* does that! (jab, jab) Speaking of Kat, I think I had this conversation with her, but we never wrote it down. So, if you have anything to add Kat, post an entry here too! (use the link on the top on the right side) I suppose it’s mostly because of our stage in life. We’re all no longer in school and now we’re kinda moving on. We’re working or in grad school or whatever. We’re just too… busy, I guess. We have 100% of ourselves, right? And we allocate percentages of ourselves to certain things, like school, home, work, hobbies and whatever, including making friends. But now, we have things that need more of our attention so we’ve probably taken what we used to put into making friends and have put that energy or percentage of whatever into work, grad school or whatever. We’re just not willing to deal with the drama anymore, I guess. But maybe that’s because of our personality too. Because, I wonder, is anyone else going through this stage?
I suppose I should qualify what I mean by “friends.” I guess what we mean is close friends, inner circle friends, not friends who just go to the wedding, but are in the wedding. Friends that you can get mad at and yell at and scream at because it’s okay. They tell you how it is, not because you want to hear it, but they have the right to say it. I think you get the picture.
This is Daryl, by the way. kimi guest author’ed on my blog, so I had to reply…