looking for God
so… there’s so many thoughts that i’ve been writing down and that have been on my mind lately, but i think it all boils down to this:
what type of relationship am I -supposed- to have with God?
i’ve been working on my definition of everything else, such as:
- what role does attending church play in my relationship with God? (is it really that important to sit in a room for an hour to have my relationship with God grow?)
- or what do i think about the Adventist set of beliefs? lemme just say that i’m not quite adventist… but don’t really know why
- or what do i think of the Bible being “God’s way of communicating with us”, but it is full of stories of God speaking directly with people? i think this might be the ironic joke that sometimes keeps me from wanting to read, yet i keep on going back to it
- while we’re on that topic, who decided what went into the Bible anyways? wouldn’t other people’s accounts of their relationship with God be just as good as a testimony to Him? couldn’t their writings be considered another type of “gospel” aka “good news” that can help bring someone closer to God? is it so important that i read the Bible or just that i keep on reading about people’s relationships with Him?
- how important is it that my definition of God is the same as anyone else’s? this is the part that is most disconcerting because IF God can be different things for different people, IF people of different religions can make it to heaven (which i totally believe that Jews, Buddhists, Christians, etc will all make it there), IF you can even have different rules for different people (as suggested in romans 14), then what’s the point? of me defining it, i mean. cuz obviously there is no set answer like the Adventists would like you to believe.
the scary part about God being whatever you make of him? it’s that maybe i feel slightly marxist… that i’m creating a God to fulfill a need. that the concept of God can change to fill the human need. like it’s one giant band-aid to fill the longing inside of me. funny that i worry about that, cuz i really do truly believe that God exists. yet.... i just can’t come to answers for all my questions. at least, i can’t come up with answers that are satisfying enough.
and maybe the most difficult part is doing this search alone. i’m not relying on my parents to tell me how it is. i’m not listening to my boyfriend telling me what God told him. i am not asking the church what i should believe. i am figuring it out for myself.
it makes for long sleepless nights, but at least when (if) i get answers it will be answers that -will- work for me.
and the good news is that once i’ve written this post, i can finally go to sleep tonight! shweet! i like those short term rewards =)
Hey Kimi. That is one hefty list of questions! If you figure all that out in one lifetime, you will be doing better than anyone else in all of history! ;)
But these are worthy things to ponder, for sure.
If I could give you one piece of advice it is this: You CANNOT do this alone.
Yes, you must come to your own conclusions and I think it’s good to make that break from church and parents. But the journey and the quest of it all? Has to be done in partnership. Not even Jesus walked alone - he had 12 allies with him every step of the way.
I’m absolutely positive that there are people near you who have the exact same questions and the same desire to figure stuff out. Find them and start digging into it together.
I wish we were all still close, because these are some of my favorite topics to toss around. It makes me miss Tuesday (then Wednesday, then..Monday?) Nights at your house.
Also, you need to email me your address, because I have a lecture (don’t let that scare you off - it’s really good) that might help you grapple with that last one on definition.
Posted by laura on 03/23 at 12:21 PM“Find them and start digging into it together.”
where are they all at?!?!?!?
and i DID find that set of friends, they just all moved to different areas. grrrr!!! hahahha....i also wish all of you all were close…
Posted by kimi =) on 03/24 at 08:13 PMMaybe at church? lol. You just have to start talking about your journey really candidly to get people to open up and say, “Oh! I feel like that too!”
Because we are taught to just keep quiet and pretend like everything’s jolly (because that is what life is like if you’re a “GOOD” Christian, right?), when really everyone has the same damn questions and insecurities and is just dying for an invitation to get it all out in the open.
I think that’s a good enough reason for church attendance as any - the chance to be honest about where you’re at. No, most church experiences are not all that conducive to it, but you just have to bite the bullet and keep it real on your end and hope to inspire a change in those around you.
Posted by laura on 03/24 at 08:41 PMi agree - i should be at a church, looking for people with whom i could share these experiences.
but that’s also part of my questions - what do i expect to get out of church? is it better to find a place with an excellent inspirational speaker yet you don’t know anyone, or somewhere you feel comfortable talking with church members till 4pm in the afternoon?
that last question sorta explains my recent church-hopping experiences…
Posted by kimi =) on 03/24 at 11:15 PMYeah, you’re totally on the right track with the alone idea. You need to clear your head of all pre-conceived ideas-even if they’re the right ones. Then you can approach God without anything getting in the way. Think Moses on Sinai, or the High Priest in the Most Holy Place, Peter on the roof, or Paul after his blindness. Let God talk to you without reason or argument. Don’t accept anyone else’s version of God, because He’s different with each one of us.
Posted by LT on 03/25 at 06:10 PMI empathize with you. I’m almost 60, and still have the same questions as you. Third generation
Adventist, academy and college choir director--do you know how many religious services that means not only sitting through, but being responsible for, musically, plus the various Sunday church jobs I have had over the years--and all for ‘WHY?’
Well, let me suggest a few things I’ve thought of, that have helped me:
1. The Parable of the Prodigal Son--No, not me. but I DO identify with the older brother: “I’ve always done what you’ve said, and I’ve never disobyed”. (Or tried?) Father’s response? Didn’t deny it, but also said: “Everything I have is yours, and you are always with me.” I studied that for a long time, and finally decided that was really true--everything He has is ours, and we are always with him. If I’m His son--if He’s my father. WOW. He’s sort of saying--"You’re upset ‘cuz I’m giving a party for the returnee? But you can have a party anytime you want--You have the resources available1! Use’em” I decided to make more of a party out of life. And exercise more of my will in relating to life. It’s helping me a lot.
2. The Bible stories used to mean studying the lives of the biblical personages. But I’ve come to the conclusion that what is really fascinating, and encouraging to me, is studying from the viewpoint of “God as the personage of the Bible” and not how the ‘people’ did, but how God treated the ‘people’. The people/persons messed up a lot--more than me, but look how God treated them--always graciously. I can’t help but think that’s what He’s trying to tell me--"Look how I treated them. Do you think I’d treat you any worse?” That’s a God I would like, no, LOVE to have.
3. Having attended a whole bunch of styles and traditions of public worship, I’ve come to appreciate the ones that follow a ‘liturgical year’--surveying the entire scope of Bible teaching during the course of a year. Then again, and again. During the course of any given service (Sunday) you’ll hear an Old Testament reading, connected to a New Testament reading, connected to a “Jesus quote” from the gospels. The sermon then summarizes and draws the lessons/practical application from them. I find this much more satisfying then the typical Adventist helter-skelter “What’s he going to talk about today?”, “Don’t ask me what I’m going to preach--it’s not Friday night yet.” It’s so disorganized. And the service cant’ achieve any type of thematic cohesion/drama. Suggestion: Attend a Presbyterian, Methodist, or Lutheran church service some Sunday, and experience this kind of thematic orientation to a worship service. It’ll spoil you forever. I always come away feeling “I’ve worshipped”. At the moment I’m substituting in a Presbyterian church for a choir director friend. I’ve ‘done’ Presbyterian choirs before, and I really get a lot from their service--the ENTIRE service--all by myself.You’re on the right track--these are the really importante questions to be asking, and you’re not the only one asking them.
Posted by on 03/25 at 07:40 PMthanks for the comments =)
and i found out i was linked to by the spectrum magazine’s blog, which got re-posted on the AUP/PUC discussion boards, which made its way into my dad’s inbox, which he then forwarded to me. interesting how the internet works!
i’ve never been forwarded an email containing a post which references a big Adventist magazine which links to my blog. it’s rather cool… once you get over the initial shock. =/
at any rate, i appreciate the comments… time to think about it some more!
Posted by kimi =) on 03/30 at 12:33 AM
Next entry: i remember doing mission trips...
Previous entry: this is me, disgusted