Monday, March 20, 2006
happy Sabbath
i started this post on Sabbath but didn’t get further than the title, but i’m gonna keep it even though it’s monday by now because, hey, it’s the topic of what i wanna talk about. and so here goes:
confession #1: i haven’t been going to church lately.
confession #2: this has been a conscious decision.
there are many and multiple reasons for my decision to stop going to church, but perhaps the easiest one to talk about is the fact that i’ve been wondering on how to work on my relationship with God. and i suppose i’m rebelling against what i’ve been taught - to read the Bible, pray every day, and go to church every Sabbath. those things are fine and wonderful, but at the point when you feel like you’re floundering in your relationship with God (and let’s face it - everyone goes through this, not just with God, but every relationship has its ups and downs), reading the Bible or showing up to church just doesn’t cut it for me.
i mean, i’ve heard people tell me, “you wanna get close to God? read the Bible! it’s his letter to you!!” and so i open the Bible with the question ‘how do i get closer to God?’ and i read about God visiting adam, or abraham, or moses, etc, and all i can think is, dude, this is cruel - here i am reading about people who had relationships with God. i mean, these people NEVER read the Bible (i don’t think they went to church at 11 am every saturday morning, either). and their relationship with God is the example given to me in the Bible. and i’m told to read the Bible as my way to grow closer to God. and i get so distracted by the fact that they have a real relationship with God, but my fix for my relationship is to read about their relationship with God.
that’s like saying i don’t know who my dad is, and every tells me to get to know him by reading his letters to my mom. sure, it might give me insight to what a great guy he is. and it might make me feel like i know who he is. but does that mean i have a relationship with him? if i were to accidently run into him somewhere, would i be able to hang out with him and have a great conversation? maybe… but it also could be awkward because the fact remains that i don’t know him, i just know about him.
likewise, i think that going to church is good fellowship, and that it builds relationships with people who also have relationships with God. but once again that’s the second degree effect - spending time with people who know the one God that i want to spend time with. i want to build my relationship with God, not with the church people! and that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate them or what they can do for me or what i can do for them just by fellowshipping with them. it just means that i want to work on my relationship directly with God.
and so i’ve cut out all the extras. i don’t think there’s any point in repairing and patching up a house that simply just needs a solid foundation put under it. i think that it’d’ve been easy to continue to live my Christian life thinking that everything was ok because i do all the right “mandatory” things. but instead of treating the symptoms by working on my Bible-reading habits or my church attendance, i’d like instead to go to the root of the problem and work on me and God.
to be honest, i miss church a little bit. i’m hoping that missing church will spur me to fix my relationship with God faster.
but this last Sabbath, i stopped by after church to see who i could talk to and i ended up just blurting out “i’ve stopped going to church” and then i burst into tears after that confession. i know and i realize i have lotsa baggage not just about church but about prayer and reading the Bible and expectations and a whole lot more that i need to work through, but i think the best thing i got outta the whole talk was that I DO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. it might not be the way i’ve always been taught it needs to be, but there is no doubt that God works in my life. He took care of me when i didn’t know what to do about japan, and He takes care of me now. and His influence in my life is evident to other people.
even this not going to church thing worked out into a small miracle - the church paid for some equipment that they didn’t have in their budget, so they didn’t know how they were gonna pay for it. i went to gym night that same week and ended up giving my last two months’ tithe and offering there, and then i found out that my two months’ checks covered the exact amount of the equipment they bought! if i had turned in the money at church, the praise band wouldn’t have had a chance to see God provide for their needs. and all of this happens at the point when i think i’m the furthest from God, yet i know that He can still use me. i’m not trying to brag, but i think it’s amazing that He can still work miracles in our lives and this is something that i need to remember even when i feel far away from Him.
anyways, this has been me… this is what i’ve been struggling with that caused me to write this post a month ago, and it’s taken longer than that time to finally be able to write something about it.
i’m hoping that this will start the catharthis that needs to happen for me to finally have peace about all of these things, but for right now, i’m just happy that i’m not as far away from God as i thought i was. thank you for that....