Friday, March 23, 2007
looking for God
so… there’s so many thoughts that i’ve been writing down and that have been on my mind lately, but i think it all boils down to this:
what type of relationship am I -supposed- to have with God?
i’ve been working on my definition of everything else, such as:
- what role does attending church play in my relationship with God? (is it really that important to sit in a room for an hour to have my relationship with God grow?)
- or what do i think about the Adventist set of beliefs? lemme just say that i’m not quite adventist… but don’t really know why
- or what do i think of the Bible being “God’s way of communicating with us”, but it is full of stories of God speaking directly with people? i think this might be the ironic joke that sometimes keeps me from wanting to read, yet i keep on going back to it
- while we’re on that topic, who decided what went into the Bible anyways? wouldn’t other people’s accounts of their relationship with God be just as good as a testimony to Him? couldn’t their writings be considered another type of “gospel” aka “good news” that can help bring someone closer to God? is it so important that i read the Bible or just that i keep on reading about people’s relationships with Him?
- how important is it that my definition of God is the same as anyone else’s? this is the part that is most disconcerting because IF God can be different things for different people, IF people of different religions can make it to heaven (which i totally believe that Jews, Buddhists, Christians, etc will all make it there), IF you can even have different rules for different people (as suggested in romans 14), then what’s the point? of me defining it, i mean. cuz obviously there is no set answer like the Adventists would like you to believe.
the scary part about God being whatever you make of him? it’s that maybe i feel slightly marxist… that i’m creating a God to fulfill a need. that the concept of God can change to fill the human need. like it’s one giant band-aid to fill the longing inside of me. funny that i worry about that, cuz i really do truly believe that God exists. yet.... i just can’t come to answers for all my questions. at least, i can’t come up with answers that are satisfying enough.
and maybe the most difficult part is doing this search alone. i’m not relying on my parents to tell me how it is. i’m not listening to my boyfriend telling me what God told him. i am not asking the church what i should believe. i am figuring it out for myself.
it makes for long sleepless nights, but at least when (if) i get answers it will be answers that -will- work for me.
and the good news is that once i’ve written this post, i can finally go to sleep tonight! shweet! i like those short term rewards =)